and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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