No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize