i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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