i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
