I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
