Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dick very happy bro
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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