Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize