she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
