So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
