I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
