This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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