the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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