That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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