I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
