Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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