Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
