Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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