I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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