You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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