you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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