Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
