Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
