Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
