i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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