just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize