I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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