I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
