I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
