Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
