shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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