Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
