you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize