I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
cat food counts as protein by the way
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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