almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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