My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
