oh god the rape fog is back!
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
