Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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