I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize