Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
