omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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