Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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