I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
where am i from again
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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