Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
