and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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