If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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