Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
my liver is dry heaving
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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