Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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