I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
