i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
