she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
