goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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