I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
