The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
