the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
