I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
