Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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