You're my little dorito
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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