I can't breathe out the right side of my face
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize