I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
